On June 5th, I decided to go for it. I had been trying to pursue freedom 90% for a few months, I felt like it had to be all or nothing. Not legalism, just consistency. One of the pastors of our church gave a message on holiness once that I loved. He basically said that holiness is about consistency. Seeking to abide in and be like Jesus ALL of the time.
It's hard for me to fail. I think a lot of times I just go ahead and give up when I realize I can't be perfect at something. I think that since I knew I couldn't be perfectly submitted to God with my eating, I just resigned myself to that and didn't even attempt to be perfectly submitted. So, I would submit when not tempted or mildly tempted, but when the really tough temptations came, I would go ahead and give in because I didn't want to try and fail. I hope this makes some sense!
So, I began an eating journal. In it I write when I eat and what I eat. What I eat is not an issue, but I decided to write that so I could see any correlations between eating certain foods and my mood and energy level. I also put my hunger/fullness numbers. This is a concept I learned through
Thin Within. Zero is a hungry, empty tummy; five is comfortably filled; ten is stuffed, can't eat another bite. My goal is to eat within 0-5. I also write reflections, temptations, praises, etc.
Within just a few days, I could tell I was getting free. It's hard to explain, but I feel like I am getting over a hump that I haven't been able to get over in a long time. Only I can tell, really, since most of the effects are not outward, but here are just a few:
- I only weigh once per week. It's sad, but I have been known to weigh multiple times in one day.
- I am not choosing my foods based on weight-loss/maintenance.
- I am not using exercise to try to make up for gluttony.
- I am not making any excuses for gluttony.
- I am able to sit and watch someone enjoy one of my favorite foods without feeling entitled to have some too.
- I am able to eat almost anything without losing control.
I am not trying to say that I am "there," but I am very encouraged. To me, freedom will look like this: I will love God with all of my heart and therefore not love food. I will enjoy food, but will not try to use food to meet emotional needs. I will not be tied to any food rules, having the ability to enjoy all foods in moderation. And my thoughts of food and body image will be greatly reduced and replaced by thoughts of Jesus and others.