Monday, December 15, 2008

It Will Be Interesting To See How This Goes...

This is my fourth pregnancy. In the past, I have taken a very common take on eating in pregnancy which goes something like this:

"Eat what you want, when you want and however much you want. You are getting big anyway...this is your chance to be a justified glutton."

This year after completing a diet where I finally shed all of the baby weight I had accumulated with three children, it became apparent to me that I had gone from one extreme to another. While I did not have an eating disorder, I definitely had some disordered thinking and behaviors associated with eating that, I believe, could have led to a real eating disorder like anorexia. Basically, although I was a size 2-4, I still felt fatter than ever. I definitely felt fatter than before I started the diet.

I have come a long way since then, but I definitely wouldn't say that I am healed of this disordered thinking. But I am thankful to the Lord that He has shown me the errors in my thinking and has shown me that He is willing and able to see me through to total healing.

So, it's just an interesting dynamic now that I am supposed to get bigger and gain weight. Will I go overboard with eating like I have with every other pregnancy and gain way too much? Or will I continually have to fight myself to not deprive my body and my baby of the food we need to have a healthy pregnancy?

Some times I slip back into the "eat whatever I want" mentality and at the same time, I get really concerned about gaining too much. Like this morning, I weighed and I had gained a pound in the past week. That is what I am supposed to do. But it feels like I was bad. I would have felt better if the scaled showed the same weight or a loss. My mind quickly sees the truth when the Holy Spirit exposes the lie, but it still bugs me that my first instinct is that a higher number on the scale means I have been bad.

I have a hard time finding balance. On one hand, it might make sense to throw out the scales so that I don't get all obsessed with them, but I really think that if I did that, I could easily revert back to total gluttony and gain way too much weight.

For now, I weigh once per week...no more. (I used to weigh several times per day.) And I pray continually for the Lord to show me my successes and failures in His eyes. That I won't gauge them by a stupid number on the scale.

One day at a time!

2 comments:

char said...

I am struggling too although with overeating not with eating too little. I have already gained 30 lbs. It is weird. I had gotten down the lowest I have been in years and now I am struggling. But I am supposed to gain weight. But I can't seem to stop overeating.

It seems like I can only control myself when I am grasping for complete control. I have not gotten to the place where God is in control in this area. char

Brandi said...

Yes, I understand, Char. I am seeking to be under His control...it is often hard to know if I am trying to control myself or yield to Him. But regardless, it's like all or nothing for me. I have to be consistent in my (aim for) obedience in this area. And dieting is not the answer for me at least at this point.